Understanding your Attachment Style to Strengthen Relationships
Attachment theory is based off the idea that the connection formed between young children and their caretakers defines the attachment style they have as an adult. The attachment styles are split into four categories: Secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. Read through the definitions of these four styles and see which one applies most to you.
Secure: Comfortable with intimacy and can balance dependence and independence in relationships.
Anxious: Crave intimacy and can be dependent in relationships.
Avoidant: Strong sense of self-sufficiency appears detached and uninterested in close relationships.
Disorganized: Desire close relationships and fear vulnerability. May behave unpredictably in relationships.
If you have an insecure attachment style do not fear. Roughly 40% of people have an insecure attachment style, so you are not alone. Knowing your attachment style is about awareness not self-doubt. So, now that you know your attachment style, you can notice your patterns in relationships and change them as needed. Let’s go through the three insecure attachment types. Notice the different patterns and how you can avoid them or substitute them.
Anxious Attachment
With anxious attachment you are constantly concerned about being abandoned. Always in a state of worry and asking yourself, “are we okay?” you could possibly get upset with your partner when you feel them step back from the relationship.
Some things that can help you navigate anxious attachment:
The delay technique- wait 15-20 minutes before texting your partner when anxiety spikes
Use “I” statements- Everyone gets insecure so don’t be afraid to communicate that with your partner. When you feel them pulling away use “I’m feeling insecure today” so they know your needs.
Lean on hobbies or friends- When you feel yourself questioning your relationship it’s always good to go out with friends or independently and do something you enjoy!
Avoidant Attachment
As an avoidant you are independent and fear being venerable or too close with others. You typically find yourself avoiding conflict or talking about emotions. You like to think logically through problems, and emotions just get in the way.
Some things that can help you navigate avoidant attachment:
Identifying the emotion- Instead of withdrawing or distracting yourself try to define how you are feeling, and if talking about emotions is difficult, try writing down how you feel on paper.
Taking breaks- If you feel overwhelmed, take a 15-minute break from the conversation then come back to it.
Show yourself compassion- remind yourself that it’s okay to feel uncomfortable with closeness, you are learning and improving.
Disorganized Attachment
Disorganized attachments deal a lot with fear. You want intimate relationships but worry that others will reject you if they really get to know you. You can feel on edge with significant others and end relationships abruptly when you aren’t satisfied with them.
Some things that can help you navigate disorganized attachment:
Regulate your nervous system- Your body’s alarm system can trigger when you get too close or too distant from someone. Ground your nervous system with tools like deep breathing or exercise.
Identify your triggers- Track the physical sensations and thought loops that occur during conflict or intimacy. Knowing these can help you know when to regulate.
Communicate your needs- Let your partner know when triggers arise. State clearly what you need to feel safe in the moment.
Gaining a sense of awareness with your attachment style can help improve your relationships. Be patient with yourself trying to navigate an insecure attachment. You are doing great and took the first step of acknowledging it!
Brylee Javis
Pre Grad School Summer Volunteer