Managing Mom Guilt: Setting Boundaries Without the Shame

From a counseling perspective, mom guilt is one of the most common themes that shows up in my office. It often presents quietly—through anxiety, burnout, irritability, or a persistent feeling of never doing enough. While it can feel deeply personal, mom guilt is not a personal failure. More often, it is a learned response shaped by cultural expectations, relational patterns, and internalized beliefs about worth and caregiving. And yes, social media certainly doesn't help.

This blog explores mom guilt through a therapeutic lens, with a focus on how to set healthy boundaries without attaching shame.

Understanding Mom Guilt Clinically

Clinically, guilt is meant to signal that we may have violated a value. However, for many mothers, guilt becomes overgeneralized. It activates not because a true harm has occurred, but because a boundary has been set or a role expectation has been disrupted.

Many clients report guilt when they rest, say no, prioritize work, or attend to their own emotional needs. In these cases, guilt is less about ethics and more about conditioning—particularly for individuals socialized to equate self-worth with self-sacrifice.

Why Boundaries Activate Shame Responses

Boundaries often trigger shame because they challenge long-standing attachment patterns and people-pleasing behaviors. Many of us were raised with messages like "children should be seen and not heard" or that good mothers are always available, never tired, and endlessly giving.

When we set a boundary, we may unconsciously fear we are being selfish, unkind, or failing in our role. But shame thrives in silence and isolation. Naming it and understanding where it comes from, begins to diminish its power.

Reframing Boundaries as Regulation, Not Rejection

From a nervous system standpoint, boundaries are a form of self-regulation. They reduce overwhelm, prevent emotional flooding, and allow for more consistent presence.

Boundaries are not about pushing others away; they are about creating conditions in which connection can be sustained. As I often tell clients: boundaries involve short-term discomfort for long-term relational health.

Cognitive Reframing: Separating Guilt from Values

A core therapeutic intervention I've been using since attending the 2023 PSI Conference is the concept of your "Best Yes"—committing to what supports your well-being.

This includes asking yourself a few questions:

1. Will this add to my stress?

2. Is this where I want to put my "extra energy"?

3. Will I find joy in this obligation?

4. Does this support my mental health?

5. Or is this a time for a boundary—without guilt or shame?

These questions help separate true values-based decisions from obligatory yeses driven by fear or conditioning.

When Boundary Work Feels Especially Difficult

Boundary-setting is often more challenging during periods of transition or vulnerability—postpartum, during a child's diagnosis, after a loss, or when external support is limited.

Clinically, this is not viewed as regression, but as a signal that additional support and compassion are needed. You are not failing when boundaries feel hard. You are navigating complex emotional terrain, and that deserves acknowledgment.

A Therapeutic Reframe

From a counseling perspective, guilt does not always mean something is wrong. Often, it means something is changing.

Boundaries are a clinical tool for sustainability—not a moral failing. When mothers are supported in setting limits without shame, they are better able to engage authentically with themselves, their children, and their relationships.

You are allowed to have needs.
You are allowed to protect your energy.
And you are allowed to do so without earning permission.

Caitlin Hart LCPC NCC PMH-C

Providing Care and Support in a Time That Can Hold Such Polarizing Emotions

Antepartum, pregnancy, and postpartum are seasons often painted with society’s rose-colored glasses. We see images of glowing mothers and perfectly swaddled babies, but for many women, this season is far more complex.

As a mom of nearly two under two and a survivor of both traumatic pregnancy and birth, I know firsthand how challenging this journey can be. I am passionate about opening conversations around the real, often unspoken experiences of pregnancy and postpartum.

The Realities Many Women Face

Many women face infertility struggles, unwanted pregnancies, prenatal depression, medical trauma, or life circumstances that overshadow what is often expected to be a joyful season. The reality is, your experience is uniquely yours, and it doesn’t have to feel positive all the time.

You might feel:

• Excitement and fear at the same time

• Joy mixed with guilt

• Peace followed by waves of sadness or frustration

• Loneliness, even when surrounded by others

Some women have prayed, manifested, or deeply hoped for this season, while others find themselves mourning the life they had or the identity they have known. All of these feelings are valid.

Why Talking About It Matters

There is so much pressure on mothers to be grateful and happy, which can silence the real struggles happening underneath. Open, judgment-free conversation is essential during this season.

As a mental health provider, I am committed to creating a space where you can show up exactly as you are. Whether you are ready to process your birth story, explore your fears, grieve your old identity, or simply say out loud, “This is really hard,” you deserve a space to be seen and heard.

Support Is Available

While medication can be a valuable tool for some, many women benefit from non-pharmacological support, education, and consistent resources throughout their pregnancy and postpartum journey. Therapy, somatic practices, mindfulness, and community connection can help you feel supported while honoring the complexity of this season.

Holland Stidham Counseling Intern

Why Counseling?

Over the years as a mental health counselor, I have often heard from individuals “I am not in a crisis so I don't need counseling” or “I don’t want to take a spot from someone who really needs it”. Unfortunately, these statements just reinforce the stigma that counseling is only for people dealing with “real issues”. Which minimizes the truth, that we all can benefit from mental health counseling no matter what we are going through. In this blog, I want to highlight some important benefits of what the therapeutic process can provide for someone considering counseling, but who is still unsure if they “really need it”.

•  Feeling Heard - A mental health counselor holds space and listens without judgment.  There is no hierarchy of pain so no matter what is going on for someone, the counselor is the person who is just present and listens. Think, Brene Brown, they climb down and get in the hole with a person.

• Assist Positive Change -   A mental health counselor is educated and trained in various evidence-based modalities to promote balance in all life task areas. They do not avoid uncomfortable emotions or conversations, they lean into the discomfort and encourage the client to do the same. Because that is where change can happen. 

• Promote Balance -  Together in the therapeutic process, a client works to increase their insight into what they need for balance. This can be by improving communication skills, boundary setting, coping skills and more to improve their overall well-being. 

• Provide Connection -  They help navigate connections to outside resources within their community for additional support that may be needed. 

Overall, mental health counseling is a vulnerable but rewarding process that is beneficial for everyone, no matter what.  I would encourage all to take the step of making that first appointment because we all deserve to process emotions, seek change, and find balance in our lives. 

Caitlin Hart LCPC NCC

 Brené Brown